Sephiroth's Home & Garden Television!
by MateriaGirl
Summary: This definately can NOT be good! Who the hell put Sephiroth in charge of a TV show? {Worker: You did, boss!} Who the hell told you to speak?! {Worker: ...}


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Author's Note: Don't you dare ask…

Sephiroth's Home & Garden Television!

"I don't want to hear it!" The director snapped. "Sephiroth, you get in the wig and costume and go on the air! You have 5 minutes!"

Sephiroth sighed, "Tell me this is the season finale! Tell me I don't have to host window painting anymore!"

"This is the season finale, so you will be doing a double dose of Miss Sephie today!" The director explained. "Now get in the change rooms!"

Minutes later, Sephiroth- I mean, Miss Sephie, came out of the room in a short cut silver wig, with a sewn-in black bow on top of it and a silver bellytop and black overalls. Sephiroth sighed, "I can't do this."

"Reality check! It's been 5 months since you've started!" The director replied.

Sephiroth smirked, "Can I correct that? I meant, I can't do this anymore…"

"Too bad! Now get onto the stage!" 

Announcer: NOW IT'S TIME FOR…MISS SEPHIE'S HOME AND GARDEN TELEVISION, WITH YOUR HOST…MISS SEPHIE!!

"YAY!" Yelled some of the kids that were in the audience.

Why would kids come to a home and garden television show?…To embarrass me, nevertheless. Sephiroth thought. "Hi." 

Everyone in the audience gasped, "Miss Sephie talks like a guy?!"

"Well, I've got news for all you low-lives…I am a guy. Now-"

The audience gasped.

"SHUT UP!" Sephiroth snapped. "Now…Today, we'll be learning how to renovate the house without calling some stupid renovation men! To start with, to put an extra door from the room to the bathroom." Sephiroth picked up a plastic model door and glued it to the wall. "You don't have to drill it in or anything. Just use super glue…it'll only last for 5 minutes, but anyhow…" Sephiroth opened the door.

He continued to explain, "Now, if you haven't noticed, there is still a wall here blocking the doorway. So this is what you do." Sephiroth takes an axe and begins chopping the wall. "Once it's chopped-…what?!"

Through the "door", was the bathroom. And who better to be in it…but the director. He gasped, "SECURITY!!!"

The audience laughed, Sephiroth kept a straight face and continued to explain. "Anyhow, there's your first renovation tip! Next…is how to construct your own room in the bathroom. It's pretty simple. If I could have a pipe please?" Sephiroth picked up a metal pipe that was connected to the toilet. "Then…just hammer away at it." 

He then began to hammer down at the pipe…and it exploded in his face. The water sprayed out and the studio was drenched in water. "SEC…URI…TY!" Sephiroth muttered.

2 men rushed in and began to clog the pipe up with handkerchiefs. "ALL CLEAR, MISS SEPHIE!"

"I'm a boy, I'm not a 'Miss'!" Sephiroth snapped.

One of the men whispered to the other as they walked away, "Gee, I knew there were gender differences…but I didn't know they were this severe!"

"I know." Said the other. "Girls don't normally sound like guys…do they?"

"Anyhow…Forget about that idea…Next, we'll learn how to turn a kitchen…into a "mansion"." Sephiroth continued, after the 2 men left. "But I don't feel like it. I'm angry, you know."

The audience gasped.

Just then, a brunette girl, around the age of 7, hollered, "Girlies are supposed to be nice! Not like you, Miss Sephie!"

"Well, how much times do I have to tell you?! I'm a boy, I'm a guy, I'm a male! I'm not a girl at all!-"

The girl giggled, "Then why are you wearing girlies clothes!" The audience laughed.

Sephiroth grumbled, "…And guess what, little girl. To blow off steam, I think I'll kill you first!"

"Miss Sephie…" Grumbled the director from backstage.

Sephiroth grinned, fakely, "Now…back to turning a kitchen into a "mansion". First you, take an axe again and began to chop off all 4 walls. Like so." Sephiroth then starts axing down all the 4 walls around the studio. "Then…You plaster a wallpaper that looks like a mansion on the walls-…Hold up! WAIT! Don't axe down the walls or there will be no walls to put your mansion on!…That doesn't make any sense!!"

"Miss Sephie's gone insane!" One kid chorused. "Come on, kids of the audience…sing with me!…_Hey--- Miss Sephie! Hey--- Insane! Hey--- Miss Sephie! You--- are insane!_ Sing-"

"SHUT UP!" Sephiroth snapped, drawing his Manasume and slicing everyone- I mean, nearly slicing everyone. The director stopped him.

Sephiroth cleared his throat and continued, "…Anyhow…The next few renovation steps are going to be easy…but complicated- Wait a second! That didn't make any sense either…Anyhow, besides the fact that I am insane at this moment, no comments please…We will be learning how to break down a closet and use it for a garbage chute. Instead of always running to the garbage, just break down your closet and throw the garbage in. Now…" Behind Sephiroth, magically, appears a closet.

"Now…Break down the back wall of the closet. An axe will do fine. Then, take a large, huge, impossible-to-find cylinder and toss it in your closet to make a large tunnel till you reach the soil. Then, take the cylinder and toss it out of the window, for there will be no use for it anymore. Watch, like so." Sephiroth then follows the procedure as…proceeds. "Next…find 14 million hamsters and beavers and let them dig all the way to the planet's core. Of course, then they would burn and be dead and there would be no use for them anyway after that!"

Sephiroth turned around, "Find me 14 million hamsters and beavers?!"

"Uh, Miss Sephie…There aren't any animals within 75 miles of this place!" The director stated. 

"WHAT?!" Sephiroth gasped. "What do you mean? You got a pet hamster yesterday…right?" He began to grin.

"You mean…Humphrey?" The director asked.

"Humphrey? What kind of name is HUMPHREY?" Sephiroth asked.

"My hamster's name…" The director mumbled.

"Well, he'll have to do!" Sephiroth grabbed Humphrey and threw him in the hole. "Dig, little- AHH!!" Sephiroth jolted upwards and turned around as the clawing creature hung on to Sephiroth's face. "GET THIS RAT OFF ME!!"

The audience gasped; the kids laughed.

The director quickly ran to get Humphrey and he ran backstage.

Sephiroth grunted, "Now…for the rest of the renovations…We'll attempt to make a drawer…into a balcony. Notice…I said attempt! This one's really simple." Walks off to find a drawer. "2 simple steps. Chop and Step! We first chop the drawer- like so." Sephiroth begins chopping the drawer. "Then, as soon as it's flat, we step on it. There's your balcony. Now just use super glue and glue it on the edge of your balcony…"

"Oh wait…Caution please, if you are too heavy…it'll drop, so this was pointless." Sephiroth smirked.

"Huh?" The audience shrugged. 

"Anyhow…onto our next renovation. We will actually create our own crawlspace in the house. It will be easy…but complicated!" Sephiroth began. "Now, first-"

The same brunette girl rose her hand.

Sephiroth grumbled, "…Yes, little girl?"

"I need to go to the bathroom!" The girl cried out.

Sephiroth stared at her. "…Then go, why the heck are you asking me?" The girl sped out of the studio, as Sephiroth continued. "Now, our next renovation tip. Creating a crawlspace. Now this works with any kind of room. This is what you do!" Sephiroth took a large plank of wood and stuck it in between of this closet model, which suddenly appeared. "Now, you glue the sides shut, so it is stable. Okay. Next…"

Sephiroth then gets a large cement mixer. "Buy a cement mixer, of course you can't afford it so don't even bother! Now, with the cement mixer, pour cement onto the top part of the wood and fill it to the top and then-"

"Excuse me, Miss Sephie!" Began a lady; some kind of brainiac from the audience. "If you put the cement up there, won't it fall on you if it dries and gets too heavy?"

Sephiroth stared at her aghast. "Oh, you were actually listening to what I was saying? Look around you, lady, everyone else is asleep! This program isn't getting any ratings, but I get paid a lot anyway. You guys are here to increase my pay, then you get a free nap in our audience chairs, isn't that nice?…Now get to it!"

The lady, instantly fell on the ground and fake slept.

"Now, once the cement is poured and dry you have your new-"

CRASH!!!

"…What?" Sephiroth asked himself. "WHERE'S MY CRAWLSPACE?"

The director came out from backstage, "The cement crashed it, Miss Sephie!"

Sephiroth gawked, grumbled and snapped, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! LITTLE KIDS, HAMSTERS NAMED HUMPHREY, RENOVATION TIPS- I HATE THEM ALL!!! GIVE ME MY PAY, MR. DIRECTOR BECAUSE I QUIT!!" And he stormed out of the studio, and grabbed the 5 cents off the table…his pay…

THE END


End file.
